If I’m being honest, this post is here to serve as an open apology to everyone in my life. And hopefully, some kind of an explanation. The joys of social anxiety disorder are truly not joys at all. It hurts me, but it also hurts all of the friends and family I have. People tend to be a bit shocked when they find out that this is a “thing” for me because when I DO show my face, I seem completely comfortable and upbeat. I’m not saying that there aren’t times that I feel okay, I have good days just like anyone else, but there are probably about four or five people in the world that I can see at a moment’s notice, without a sense of overwhelming anxiety. I’m sure it’s different for everyone, but this is my experience.
Invitations
These… suck… While I’m happy that I’ve been asked to attend whatever it is that you want me to attend, I panic when I think about having to actually GO. It has nothing to do with you or my feelings for you. I just feel unsafe and exposed. The reason is a mystery. I can’t help it, it’s not always fixable, and pushing myself is sometimes impossible. Sometimes, it takes so much effort to go somewhere, that I end up exhausted for days. God forbid someone just shows up at my door to invite me somewhere. I think it’s safe to say that I absolutely DETEST the “pop-in”! It is absolutely nothing personal, that’s just how it is.
Stores
I have no clue where to start on this one, but the availability of online ordering at the grocery store is both a blessing and a curse. At least during pre-Covid life, I had to force myself to function and go do “people things”, now I don’t. There truly are times when walking into a store, feels awful. It’s almost like my head jumps into a giant grey cloud. A day at the mall might be fun for some, but it is far too “people-y” for me. I don’t like the sound of shopping carts, I don’t like bumping into people, I can’t stand the noise and if I don’t have my husband with me, there are times that I actually feel afraid. Yes, it’s actual fear, of everything and nothing, all at the same time.
Going outside… Seriously… Just going outside.
I am almost embarrassed to admit this, but sometimes just walking out of my front door, is beyond difficult. The back door is fine. I don’t feel so exposed in my backyard. Unless of course, the neighbor is out. I am forced to “be” in the middle of the day when I don’t feel like “being”, so some days, I just stay inside. Here in Indiana, we have the WORST mailboxes. They aren’t at the end of the driveway. Mine is around the corner. There have been days, and sometimes a whole week, that I can’t talk myself into walking that far to get the mail. I have the physical energy to do so, but the mental energy that can take at times, is far more than I may have that day. The only way I can explain it is to say that it’s kind of like when you were a kid and had that eerie feeling that someone was following you up the stairs, so you ran. That’s what it’s like for me.
I want my friends and family to know this…
I don’t hate you. You would not be avoided if I didn’t have this to deal with. I DO consider you a friend, and I DO love you. You are important to me. I enjoy the times when I’m able to get it together enough to spend time with you. It is NOT personal. I am hurt because I can’t force myself to “be normal”, and I know it makes you feel like I don’t care when I can’t make it to whatever shindig you’ve invited me to. I always feel so bad about this but it does get tiring when you have to explain this to people over and over again. It’s just a constant reminder that I’m not okay, and that does get old after a while.
I have no idea why I can’t fix this after 25 years, and it’s not for lack of trying.
There is a tremendous amount of guilt when you have social anxiety disorder and you can never quite apologize enough. Yes, even if the people around you are super supportive and understanding 100% of the time. I still feel terrible and as if I’m gazing in at “normal life” from a closed window, outside the house. Oddly enough, I am not anti-social, (far from it, actually) but there are times that I have to stay where I feel safe. If I don’t, my heart races, I get dizzy, and it feels like I’m floating, and not in a good way. Therapy helps, but it’s still a struggle some days, so please try and understand when I have to leave a party early, or I end up canceling altogether. Trust me, when that happens, I’m TRULY not feeling well. I promise it’s got nothing to do with you. It’s just one of the many joys of social anxiety disorder.
